Released just ahead of ‘Baby Loss Awareness Week,’ a new waiata by indigenous-soul duo IA, is breaking years of silence surrounding paternal baby loss.
What began as a lazy summer afternoon jamming on a porch in Whangaroa unexpectedly unlocked years of unspoken grief.
For lead singer and tāonga pūoro Reti Hedley and multi-instrumentalist Moetu Smith, the pair started playing around with a melody that felt like a simple acoustic lullaby, but soon changed.
“It wasn’t really until we got towards the end of the process and we started to realise, this is actually reflecting upon our uri that didn’t make it,” Reti says.
Once they zeroed in on that realisation, the entire purpose of the track changed.
Grieving their own loss
Inspired by oriori, they dedicated their new waiata Whakakai Marihi to the babies who never made it.
For Moetu, that realisation hit on a deeply personal level. While Reti was away and Moetu was up in Whangaroa, the two started talking on the phone, swapping stories of heartbreak they had quietly carried for years.
“It was a pretty surreal moment for me because it’s a conversation that I don’t often have,” Moetu shares.
Through his own loss of a pēpi decades ago, a second-born son named Zion who would have been 26 years old today, the song sparked something unexpected.
“Sitting with my darling and we’ve been talking about it a lot because of the waiata... it has made us closer and given life to our baby again, given life to our boy.”
For Reti, who lost his pēpi just 7 months ago, the experience was profoundly terrifying, nearly losing his wife as well.
“This is a really emotional state to be in because you experience the loss yourself, and you can experience the loss of your darling, and what they’re going through, and often I think we try our best to stay strong for both Māmā and ourselves for that pēpi.”
The instrument itself tells a story
Adding an extra layer of spiritual depth to the track is a traditional taonga pūoro woven right into the music.
Gifted to Reti by carver Joel Komene from Te Puke around the time the song was being written, a special kōauau named Te Atapo found its way into the track.
The instrument features intricate carvings of Reti’s two living boys, Rauwhetu and Ororuarangi, alongside a carved rūrū in the middle representing Te Atapo, the baby Reti lost.
In Tūwharetoa tikanga, the rūrū acts as a messenger capable of crossing between the physical world and the spirit realm.
“When this kōauau is heard in the waiata, there is a wairua and memory carried within it.”
Established to break the deep isolation surrounding miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss, ‘Baby Loss Awareness Week’ shines a light on an experience that touches countless whānau. Across the country, landmarks and monuments are lit up to offer a visible beacon of remembrance.
The kaupapa aligns naturally with the release of Whakakai Marihi, which stands as an invitation and a waka carrying parents through the rough waters of grief.
“My boy is giving me strength because I’m able to talk about it and be real in the moment, so I hope everybody can take something away from this and connect with their loss,” Smith says.
For Hedley, the week serves as a vital reminder for parents to pause and remember those babies who were lost.
“Kāore he mihi i tū atu ki ērā pēpi, ko te mihi o mahara”
